Tag Archives: #reality

Extra, Extra….Read All About It

12 Jul

News!! She has news!! I am in the dressing room at the store, trying on clothes for my upcoming vacation. I stop instantly and start reading.

Anna’s father had reached out to father #1’s eldest daughter. She had not responded so he made the decision to go directly to father #2. He approached him and explained the situation to him. Father #2 said he did not recognize my mother’s name and to ask me to please not contact him because he did not want his wife to get mad.

Heartbreak. Confusion. Questions. Reality. My mind was racing in a million different directions! Please don’t contact him because his wife will be mad??? That was a statement I was not expecting. Not because I didn’t understand that this could obviously be an issue that could potentially cause tension (hence the way I was trying to approach everything in a way to protect everyone and their privacy and relationships) but because it had a guilty tone. It just opened the door to more questions, but at the same moment slammed the door in my face because he did not want to talk to me.

The emotions hit like a train off the rails. Silent tears in the dressing room as I processed it all. There was nothing more I could do. All the was left was to accept the fact that yes, I was disappointed I could not get a definitive answer, but be grateful for the fact that I came from a place where there was no hope of ever knowing who my father was and somehow, I had it narrowed down to two people. That had to be enough and I knew after a few days of raw emotion, I would be able to accept that. That is me. I am able to see the bigger picture. Sometimes I just need a few minutes to process my personal feelings.

Of course I had every intention of honoring his request. I told Anna to please have her father assure him that I understand and will not bother him. I went home that night and cried. My search was over. The conclusion, there was no conclusion. There was no definitive answer. All that work. No closure.

I won’t even begin to try to list all the thoughts running through my mind, but I will say that it is crazy how many scenarios you can come up with for just one statement made by another person.

The next morning I was still a little sad but there was no room for a pity party for one. I got up and went off to work. Work was a welcome distraction.

That afternoon I got another message from Anna. She wrote to tell me that her parents had told her grandmother (my aunt) about me. They had not said anything before because they were waiting to get as much information as possible, but now that we knew Anna’s father and I were 1st cousins, they were ready to tell her. At first she was in shock and could not believe the news but then……then she seemed kind of excited to have a niece!! She was going to have Anna over the next week to help her scan pictures for me. What’s more….she would love to talk to me!

Oh my goodness how the emotions changed. From sad to happy in seconds.


What’s In A Dream?

12 Apr

As a little girl, Cinderella taught me that, “a dream is a wish your heart makes.” Time passes and we are forced to face the daily reality of life, but I have always found that a little bit of that girl still lives inside of me,

Years have passed. Perspectives have changed. There are many things in life I have been introduced to and do not pretend to understand. Some people say your dreams are where your wishes and reality collide. Others say that dreams are premonitions of things to come or where we sort out our lives in our subconscious. To me, dreams are a mystery I would love to come to better understand.

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you are so into it that when you wake up, you force yourself right back to sleep just so you can find out how it ends? Or what about a dream that is so vivid but the minute you wake up all memory of it is gone?

About 14 years ago I had a dream. It was a dream that I did not want to wake from. It was a dream that was so colorful, happy and satisfying. A dream that left me feeling so complete. I had never had a dream like that before and have not had another one since.

The crazy thing about that dream is that it launched something that until now I did not realize the enormity and gravity of. In my dream, I met my biological mother who died when I was 4 1/2 months old. Until that dream I did not know her, but in that moment I felt so close to her, as though we were best friends.

When I woke up I immediately began a project. It is something I have worked on off and on again for the last 14 years. About 2 weeks ago, something happened that I never would have expected…a twist in my journey that has begun to take me down a road I never imagined………….

#dreams #reality #adventure #premonitions #mystery #journey #mother #search #Cinderella #subconscious #wakeup #twist #project #staytuned