Tag Archives: #questions

Cardinal Red

17 Jul

I was looking out the window one afternoon, just a few days after the email from Aunt Patty telling me who in her heart she believed my biological father to be and saw a cardinal. Some people have said that when you see a cardinal it is a sign from a deceased loved one to let you know they are there.

It is funny because I rarely ever see cardinals but in last four or five months I have seen more than in the past 10 years combined. Both Cardinals and Blue Jays have been appearing outside my bedroom window (and a few other places too). I have never seen so many in such a short period of time.

I have different feelings associated with them every time. Sometimes it is happiness. Sometimes it is peace. One time I felt a presence, like my mother was there to encourage me. But this time, I just happened to look briefly out the window of a church and across the street on the fence sat a cardinal. The feeling hit instantaneously…..my father was acknowledging me. The bird sat there for a minute or two and then flew away.

Maybe I am crazy. I mean a bird is just a bird right? But the feeling I had seemed so real! It was comforting. I have always associated sightings with my mother. Thinking somehow it was connected with her but this one time the feeling hit right away. As if there was no doubt it was him.

The Verdict Is In

14 Jul

After the email from my Aunt (we will call her Aunt Patty), things started to unfold so fast. Within the next few days, she told her daughter and other son about me. Her daughter sent me an email and added me on Facebook while her son added me on Facebook and we chatted there. Anna had asked for a picture of my biological mother so she could show it to her grandmother and see if maybe she might have known my mother.

Everyone was so nice! They seemed genuinely excited to have a new addition to the family and were curious about who this new person was.  It was fun learning about everyone and seeing some of the things we have in common. Little did I know that Aunt Patty was hard at work behind the scenes.

Aunt Patty kept in touch. She said she was sorry she could not tell me who my father was but told me stories about both of them. I heard about some of their traditions, families, etc. She also sent me pictures of her brothers and herself. I sent her some pictures of me. I asked her if I reminded her of anyone. Nothing prepared me for her response!!!

She wrote me and said she wished she could tell me 100% who my father was but she can tell me in her heart who she believes it is. She said that she had a long talk with her brother. She told him all about me and showed him the picture of my biological mother. He said he did not recognize her and that he was not my father. Seeing his face and hearing him out, she believed him. She truly believed that her other brother (father #1) was my biological father. She even went as far as to say that I remind her a bit of him. He was such a good man. They did coffee together every Friday until he was too sick to do it anymore. He raised his daughters on his own and was very good to his mother. He called her every day and visited her often when she was in the nursing home.  He was also Patty’s daughter’s god father. Every year at Easter he sent her a corsage from her “secret admirer.” What an absolute sweetheart!! She said that if he knew I existed he would have been sure to be a part of my life and that he would have loved me.

So there is was. I would never know 100% but it seemed pretty darn sure. She of all people would know her brother and be able to tell if he was being honest with her. Plus, so many of the clues that I found along the way seemed to point to him. In all honesty, even though he was gone which means that just like my biological mother I will never be able to meet him and their story will always be a mystery, just hearing about the man he was, I would be thrilled if he was my biological father. Everyone tells me stories about the person my biological mother was. It would make so much sense if it was him. And wouldn’t it be nice that even if I can never meet my biological father in the end, that the memory of him that I am introduced to is such a good and positive one!

I was finally finding my peace. Little by little. It wasn’t quite closure, but it was peace. I still hoped for the rest. I still hoped in time maybe Patty’s brother would give me that closure. But this….this was all something I can live with. This was really darn close.  Father #1 was the first person on the list of potentials at the beginning of my search that I felt the instant connection to. It would make sense if it was him. I would be happy if it was him.

I Think I Can…I Think I Can..

30 May

So it seems that somehow my mother was tied to Father #1 through this lodge. Not that it actually answers any questions though! In order to be an associate member of the lodge, you had to be sponsored by a member. So, was Father #1 her sponsor? If so, how had she met him prior to that? What was their original connection? Or, had someone else sponsored her and maybe she met him there?

Taking that one step further though, if all you needed to become an associate member of the lodge was to be sponsored by someone who was a member that means that Father #2 or #3 could have been associate members too. Could she have met one of them there? Or did she know father #1 and met Father #2 or #3 through him?

Really, the finding of this card does not answer any of my questions questions. In fact, if anything, it creates MORE questions. But is does do one thing. It proves that I am on the right track!!!

Through this DNA test I have found a relative that matches pretty closely. This match and her family as well as all the possible “fathers” lived in the town that mother was living and working in when she got pregnant with me. The associate membership card for the Lodge shows there was a definite connection. It not only put them in the same city but in the same organization. So while the massive amount of new questions is discouraging, it is also encouraging. I am that much closer to solving this mystery. I can do it. I will do it. I HAVE to do it…..for me!

 

Mom and Dad

8 May
When it comes to my biological parents, I think the one I have always felt the connection to is my mother. It never really occurred to me before. But I see it now. I always grew up knowing about “Mommy Bevy.”
She got pregnant and chose to keep me. She didn’t tell anyone who my father was. Just that she was pregnant and keeping the baby. People said she was happy about her decision and was excited she was having a little girl. She was the one who named me. She was the one that loved me those first 4 and a half months of my life. Even though I don’t remember her, she was there. She was my mom.
I came to terms many years ago that I would never know who my biological father was. My mother took that secret to the grave with her. There has been a lot of speculation over the years. The general consensus was he was most likely someone she met through work. Maybe he was doing a delivery and they had gotten to know each other. It could have been a secret relationship or a one night stand. Whatever it was, she chose not to include him in my life. Or maybe he chose not to be involved. Maybe he knows he has a kid out there somewhere. Maybe he has no idea. Was she trying to protect him? Protect herself? Man, I hate unanswered questions!!
My aunt (my other aunt, nit my current mom) told me once she knew of someone who might know who my father was. She said she would tell me when I turned 18, but she passed away before that. I was left with not a single clue. How do you find someone who may have no idea that you exist without a single place to start looking. Any lead I thought I might have had come up a dead end.
I realized that my mom had a reason for not sharing the info and whatever it was, I understood. I am sure once I grew up if I wanted to know she would have told me. She would have recognized that it was important to me and would have shared the story of where I came from. But alas, that will not happen. I understand she wanted to keep this secret at the time. Maybe someday, when she thinks I am ready, she will find her own way to share.

Besties

2 May

As I began to research my family tree, desperately trying to learn something about my heritage…and let me say, after a massive amount of work and lots of confusing hand drawn diagrams, I was able to trace my roots back to Germany, Ireland and Scotland to the time of the castles. Pretty amazing. I even traced family to Canada where I tracked down and “visited” an old homestead (but that is a story for another day)…I wanted nothing more than to learn about my biological mother.

 

I started to ask questions, dig deeper and researched the heck out of the internet. Finally, I found an address and a phone number for one of her childhood best friends! I couldn’t believe it. I psyched myself up and finally made the call. I was so nervous. Kinda like that, “hey, not sure if you know who I am or that I exist but…” phone call. She didn’t answer but I left a message with someone else in the house.

 

Time passed and I did not hear back right away. I thought maybe she didn’t want to talk to me. Maybe it would be another dead end. Another disappointment.

 

One afternoon I was sitting at my desk at work and my phone rang. It was HER!!! I couldn’t believe it. She told me she had been hoping for this phone call for years. That she knew who I was and had always hoped I would find her. And I had. We had a good long talk. She told me lots of stories about my mom. She loved animals. She was always smiling. She had a big heart. She loved her kids. She loved politics. She was kind. She was fun.

 

By the end of the phone call the planning of a girls’ weekend in Boston was in the works. She and the other member of their childhood trio were coming to visit.


I was so excited to meet them. For the first time in a long time I felt like I was on a path. Somehow I would be closer to my mother. I would not be able to physically touch her, see her or hear her voice…but somehow it would bring me closer to her. That by knowing them, somehow, I might know her.

Purpose

20 Apr
Now I swear y’all…this is all going somewhere. But for you to understand the journey I am about to take you on, you needed to know the background of who I am, where I came from and the pieces that make me tick.
What I can tell you is this….I am loved. There has never been a day in my life that I have not felt loved by someone. How many people can say that people loved them enough to go to court and fight over them? That they have been loved enough that people don’t give up on you? Been loved enough to have never been forgotten or be a presence in the life of people you have never even met.
My story may not be super conventional but I can say without hesitation that I have been blessed and have daily reminders as to how lucky I am.
With that said, I still have my moments. There are times I sit down and write letters to my biological mother. I tell her all about the things going on in my life. I ask her all the questions I want to ask her: Do I make you proud? Do I disappoint you? Do you love me? Do I embarrass you? Am I living up to the potential you saw in me? and so many more. With the letters come tears.
I am not sure what it is but I sometimes long for my biological mother. I long to hear her voice, to feel her arms wrapped around me. I long to just look at her face and know she is there. To have that moment, that one moment to say everything or say nothing. Just that one moment to have her there.
Maybe it is a girl’s need for her mother, but I have never felt that way about my biological father. In fact I have never felt an emotional connection to him at all. Maybe it is because I have grown up not knowing who he is. No name, no picture, no anything to make him real to me. When it comes to my father, it is more questions like: who are you? How did you meet my mother? What is your story? Were you a couple? Why are you a secret? Did you know about me? The list just keeps going on and on. I guess my mother, because I know she is gone, is the one I long to have a relationship with. I long for her acceptance and love and that validation that I am doing ok by her. My father I think because while I knew he existed, I also knew would never exist in my life. He would never actually be a father. I look at him as a connection to knowing more about my mother and where I can from.
It is all these questions that keep the wheels in my mind turning. That keep me hungry for answers. That have lead me to the journey I am about to embark on…….with you!