Tag Archives: #moments

Cardinal Red

17 Jul

I was looking out the window one afternoon, just a few days after the email from Aunt Patty telling me who in her heart she believed my biological father to be and saw a cardinal. Some people have said that when you see a cardinal it is a sign from a deceased loved one to let you know they are there.

It is funny because I rarely ever see cardinals but in last four or five months I have seen more than in the past 10 years combined. Both Cardinals and Blue Jays have been appearing outside my bedroom window (and a few other places too). I have never seen so many in such a short period of time.

I have different feelings associated with them every time. Sometimes it is happiness. Sometimes it is peace. One time I felt a presence, like my mother was there to encourage me. But this time, I just happened to look briefly out the window of a church and across the street on the fence sat a cardinal. The feeling hit instantaneously…..my father was acknowledging me. The bird sat there for a minute or two and then flew away.

Maybe I am crazy. I mean a bird is just a bird right? But the feeling I had seemed so real! It was comforting. I have always associated sightings with my mother. Thinking somehow it was connected with her but this one time the feeling hit right away. As if there was no doubt it was him.


Here’s Your Sign!

26 May

As I have mentioned before, life is all about “moments.” There have been moments over the years that have made me feel close to my mother. The dream that I had that started me out on my journey to learn more about her. The picture I received from her friend that looked exactly like she did in my dream, the framed pictures falling from a coffee table and on to the floor when we were talking about her. A Volkswagen Bug with eyelashes (like her very first car) appearing behind me the day that I wished more than ever for a sign that she was there with me. These and other experiences have led me to believe that my mother is with me. Not in the conventional “let’s hang out and grab a coffee” kind of way, but in the way where she is looking out for me. In tune with my needs, making her presence known at times, protecting me.

This was the case one day as I found myself getting closer to the answer.

Several years ago, someone came across my birth mother’s wallet and gave it to me, thinking it was something I would like to have. I LOVED that wallet. Not the actual wallet itself, but all the contents inside. There was a driver’s license, credit cards, insurance cards, card for a doctor’s appointment for my brother, pictures and so much more. I must have held each item in my hands 100 times, studying it…looking for clues. Nothing. There was absolutely nothing to be found. I had researched a few items, making calls and digging for information, but came back empty handed every time.

Here I found myself facing something so big. Trying to find my biological father. Man how I wish my mother was here. She could fill in all the blanks. She could answer all the questions I have. She alone could give me all the information I need. But she is not here. Of course she isn’t. I don’t know why she felt so strongly that she did not want to tell anyone who my father was. To protect him? To protect me? To protect her own heart? People always told me that they believed she would have told me when I had gotten older if I really wanted to know. She didn’t know she was going to pass away so suddenly. But man, it left me in such a hard place. She left me no clues. Nothing to try to solve the mystery on my own!

As I was perusing the internet looking for information on my potential fathers, I came across the obituary for father #1. My heart sank at the idea of being too late. Is it possible that after all of this I will never have the chance to hear my father’s voice just once either?

I slowly read the article, taking note of the different family members listed, etc. They talked about his military service as well as his 30 years on the police force. There was a list of numerous things he had been actively involved in including a bowling league and a fishing club. It also mentioned him being a member of the Fraternal Order of a specific lodge.

I don’t know what it was, but the minute I saw the name of the lodge I stopped dead in my tracks. I have not lived in that town since I was two and a half years old so there is no reason I would know the name. Seconds later I had it. I thought back to my mother’s wallet and for some reason felt that was where I had seen this before.

It was 10:30 at night and the fact that my alarm was going to go off at 4:30 am meant nothing to me! I jumped up out of bed and started tearing my whole bedroom apart looking for this wallet. At 1 am I finally threw in the towel. I went to work the next day, exhausted. All I could think about was getting home and where else I could look.

The day finally came to a close. I got home and headed right for my room. I stood there looking around and said, “ok mom, where is the wallet?” I looked under my bed and pulled out a box. I opened the clasp and there inside were all the contents of my mom’s wallet. About half way down, there was an associate membership card bearing the same name as the lodge listed in the obituary!

I can’t begin to explain the feelings I had when I saw that card. Relief that I was not losing my mind was one! But really? After all those hours of tearing the room apart and then taking one moment to breathe and ask my mom where to look and poof…there it was? It felt like she recognized I was ready. That I had been working so hard to find the link and this was her way of letting me know she was ready to share her secret. That pat on the back saying “you are on the right track kiddo.”


Are You There?

4 May
I am going to preface this entry with….please don’t judge. The topic of the “spiritual” world can be a touchy one. Some people believe in spirits, others in signs. Some people think anything in the spiritual realm is evil. I am not sure what I believe in. I am a Christian that believes in God.  I believe in some form of heaven and hell though maybe not people floating around in the clouds or in a flame filled inferno.
When I think about tarot card readings, I don’t believe they are something to make life decisions by. They are fun. Maybe they offer something. I am not sure. I have never had an experience with them that truly made me a believer. I researched them once. It said they were invented as a card game. Kind of like the games we play today…poker, go fish, black jack. I don’t necessarily think they are the work of the devil.
I love the idea of mediums who can connect us with people on the “other side.” If you ask me if I believe a medium can really do what they say they can, I don’t know what to tell you. I went to see one once. Really out of curiosity but also because I had met her as a person beforehand and liked her. She was nice. If nothing else, I would be supporting her business. It was a good session. She said my mom was there and passed along messages to me. I am not sure it was really my mom. It could have easily been this woman just saying the things she knew I needed to hear. But either way, I walked out feeling refreshed. Like a good therapy session. It was a positive experience, but not earth shattering.  
I used a Ouija Board once in college. It was pretty intense. The stuff coming through was something only I would know, not anyone else in the group. But I questioned if it was really happening or me subconsciously moving it. There was no hard proof that it was real. 
Many years ago, I went to a palm reader at the beach with some friends. There were four of us. We each had a separate ten minute session and the other three all came out with essentially the same reading. I was the only one who got something different. I didn’t make anything of it and can’t remember at this point what was said but I do laugh as I look back because those people’s lives are all still interconnected while mine has taken its own path.
A friend of mine has a medium she goes to. She called me excited one day because  her grandfather “came through” to the medium and the woman was reciting lyrics to the song my friend’s grandfather used to sing to her as a child. There is no reason the woman would have known anything about this so my friend was convinced!! Admittedly, my ears perked up and I listened. I was curious.  What was more convincing was that each time my friend went the woman would tell her more and every time there was something to “prove” it was her grandfather coming through.
I am not going to lie to you. My curiosity was peaked!!! I so desperately wanted that connection. I wanted my mom to come and talk to me. I wanted to hear the words that she loves me. But I guess reality is, even if it happened for me, the words would never be her voice and I think that is what I am truly searching for. 
My friend and I went to Salem, MA one year around Halloween. While we were there she suggested we go do a reading. I figured what the heck. When we came out my friend was so excited. She said she had been told all kinds of interesting stuff. Me, I was so disappointed. I got nothing. Just some generic, this is what a “Leo” is lesson based on my zodiac sign. Telling me about my personality, etc. I tried to hide my sadness as we walked around doing more sightseeing. I masked it behind taking pictures and focusing on the costumes people wore and the decorated houses.
As we headed back to the Salem Witch Museum for our tour, I was lost in my head….wishing for my mom to show me a sign that she was with me and looking out for me. I stopped to take a picture of some “hanging pot heads” and as I turned around, parked behind me was a Volkswagen Bug with eyelashes. For a brief moment the goosebumps took over. My birth mother’s first car was a Volkswagen bug that she put eyelashes on!!! It was if in that moment, she was saying hi. Not through words. Just a simple sign. Something there would be no mistaking was her. If I hadn’t stopped to take that picture, I never would have noticed the car.
I smiled a little brighter. What I love it that as I have gotten older, while I don’t have the relationship with my birth mother like I do with my mom, it seems we have our special language. She hears me and makes sure that I know that she is there. My life has been a collection of little signs or moments…the judge signing the order giving guardianship of me to my aunt on my birth mother’s birthday. The dream in which she appeared as someone I had never seen before and months later that woman was looking back at me from a picture frame, and it was her. Pictures of her falling on to the floor when having a conversation about her. A car similar to her first one (with eyelashes to boot) popping up behind me as I wished for a sign letting me know she was there…even now in this new quest she has popped up in ways you will soon see.
The more I think about it, I am not sure what exactly it is that I believe in, but no matter what it is, I believe that she is there in the background. Not physically watching everything I am doing. That is creepy! Haha! But just there. Looking out for me. Loving me. Making sure I am never alone.


3 May

Life is made up of a collection of moments. Some fleeting, some strung together. They are the seconds, minutes that impact our lives. Whether for the good or the bad they are the times that capture our attention and stand out to us. We carry them with us.


It seemed like eternity but the day finally arrived. I got to the hotel first, since I only worked down the street, and when my birth mother’s two childhood best friends arrived and walked through the door, Linda looked at me and said, “I don’t know who your father is, but you don’t look anything like him!” Those words made me smile. As I looked at the two of them, I felt happy. A connection. A closeness. That somehow, with the two of them in the room, my mom was there too.


They brought a gift for me. I opened it. The first was a picture of my mom, sitting on the beach with super short hair, smiling. I had only seen a few pictures of her as an adult but this looked pretty similar. Her hair was a little darker but the smile was the same.


When I opened the other picture I gasped. There was the woman from my dream in front of me. Her right arm in the air reaching for something, her hair long and wavy, same expression on her face. It was as if I closed my eyes and was back in the dream where I met my mother. Never before had I seen an image of her looking like this…except in my dream.


Later that evening we were sitting around talking about my mom. Linda was telling me about what had happened when she had gotten sick and after she passed away. She mentioned she thought my grandfather had sent her something, possibly the autopsy report or some kind of documentation to do with her passing but that she might have thrown it away when she was cleaning out her garage. At that very moment, the pictures of my mom that were resting on the coffee table fell and hit the floor. Instant goosebumps. No one was anywhere near the table. Nothing could have knocked them over. Linda looked up, “all right Bev, I’ll look for it!” In that moment, it seemed to be certain that my mom was right there with us; catching up and enjoying the girls weekend between her two best friends and her daughter.


That weekend was Linda’s birthday. We had gone off to see Blue Man Group. I had a card and a cake waiting for her back in the room. While we were out she told me about how my mom was always so happy. She always drew smiley faces all over everything. When we got back to the room, Linda opened her card and saw smiley faces looking back at her. Smiley faces are my thing too! It kinda makes you wonder…nurture vs nature.


I was so sad when the weekend came to an end. It wasn’t like saying goodbye to my mom, but to two new friends! I knew that it was not goodbye though. It was “until next time.” There were definitely more adventures ahead of us. Even now. When my newest venture came to pass, Linda was one of the first people I told. She was a big part of my last one. I wanted her to be there with me in this one too!