Tag Archives: #familysecrets

The Verdict Is In

14 Jul

After the email from my Aunt (we will call her Aunt Patty), things started to unfold so fast. Within the next few days, she told her daughter and other son about me. Her daughter sent me an email and added me on Facebook while her son added me on Facebook and we chatted there. Anna had asked for a picture of my biological mother so she could show it to her grandmother and see if maybe she might have known my mother.

Everyone was so nice! They seemed genuinely excited to have a new addition to the family and were curious about who this new person was.  It was fun learning about everyone and seeing some of the things we have in common. Little did I know that Aunt Patty was hard at work behind the scenes.

Aunt Patty kept in touch. She said she was sorry she could not tell me who my father was but told me stories about both of them. I heard about some of their traditions, families, etc. She also sent me pictures of her brothers and herself. I sent her some pictures of me. I asked her if I reminded her of anyone. Nothing prepared me for her response!!!

She wrote me and said she wished she could tell me 100% who my father was but she can tell me in her heart who she believes it is. She said that she had a long talk with her brother. She told him all about me and showed him the picture of my biological mother. He said he did not recognize her and that he was not my father. Seeing his face and hearing him out, she believed him. She truly believed that her other brother (father #1) was my biological father. She even went as far as to say that I remind her a bit of him. He was such a good man. They did coffee together every Friday until he was too sick to do it anymore. He raised his daughters on his own and was very good to his mother. He called her every day and visited her often when she was in the nursing home.  He was also Patty’s daughter’s god father. Every year at Easter he sent her a corsage from her “secret admirer.” What an absolute sweetheart!! She said that if he knew I existed he would have been sure to be a part of my life and that he would have loved me.

So there is was. I would never know 100% but it seemed pretty darn sure. She of all people would know her brother and be able to tell if he was being honest with her. Plus, so many of the clues that I found along the way seemed to point to him. In all honesty, even though he was gone which means that just like my biological mother I will never be able to meet him and their story will always be a mystery, just hearing about the man he was, I would be thrilled if he was my biological father. Everyone tells me stories about the person my biological mother was. It would make so much sense if it was him. And wouldn’t it be nice that even if I can never meet my biological father in the end, that the memory of him that I am introduced to is such a good and positive one!

I was finally finding my peace. Little by little. It wasn’t quite closure, but it was peace. I still hoped for the rest. I still hoped in time maybe Patty’s brother would give me that closure. But this….this was all something I can live with. This was really darn close.  Father #1 was the first person on the list of potentials at the beginning of my search that I felt the instant connection to. It would make sense if it was him. I would be happy if it was him.

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The Moral Debate

14 Jun

It took a few days but we finally got word from Anna’s father. He said that he did not want to get “Father #2” involved at this point so he was going to reach out to the eldest daughter of Father #1 to see if she could help.

I wasn’t really sure about that one. I don’t know his reasons for not want wanting to involve Father #2. Maybe because he did not want to stir up any trouble if it was not yet warranted? Maybe because he is married (and was married at the time that my mother got pregnant)? I could come up with a countless list of possible reasons. However I was more surprised by the idea of reaching out to the eldest daughter of Father #1. Maybe he has a closer relationship to that part of the family. I have no idea. But my internal moral debate was that this poor woman’s father had passed away just under 5 years ago. Maybe he was my father too but wouldn’t it be better to just ask Father # 2 and if it is not him then just let Father #1 being my biological father be the secret of the three of us (Anna, her father and me)? I hate the idea of hurting his family. Imagine, they find out they have a new sibling or step daughter but can’t even go to their father/husband for answers. It seems to me that if it were him, the kindest thing would be to let them continue living their lives with the memory of the person they loved intact.

It might sound silly, but either way…whomever my father is…I want it to be his decision as to whether or not he wants me to know his family. My journey is to find him. To know who he is. To have a name. A face. Know who the other half of me is. If he wanted me to be involved with his family…to know him, my half siblings, etc I would be open to that. But that is his life and while we intersect, we each also have our own paths. If I am welcome in his world, I would embrace the chance with open arms. If he prefers for his own reasons to keep me a secret, as long as I have my answers I can respect and understand that.

With Father #1 having passed away, he is not here to make that call. By introducing his daughter, who we know is his daughter, into this, I worry. I worry about hurting her. The memory of her father. Especially if I am not even his! Then it would have all been for nothing.

As for Father #2, he is married. To the same woman he was married to when my mother got pregnant.  My dilemma in trying to reach out to him is how to do it discreetly. Out of respect to him and his wife, especially as I am not certain he is the one, I would like to have that conversation discreetly. But how do you do that with someone who lives states away and is retired, at home with his wife all day?

I want answers. I want to solve the puzzle. I want to be able to walk away from all of this with no regrets. I don’t want to come this close and settle for the fact that I narrowed it down to two people and didn’t try to find the answer. Father #2 is getting older. I don’t know how much time I have (he was considerably older than my mother). I don’t want to let the days slip away.

People tell me not to worry about everyone else. Not to worry about the wife and relationship of Father #2 or the family of Father #1. That this is my story and I deserve the answers. But I can’t help it. While I am determined to continue moving forward towards the truth, I still want to protect the second half of my DNA. I want to make sure that whomever he is, that his family is treated with respect. They deserve that. As much as I deserve the truth, they deserve respect and consideration.

I am waiting patiently for Anna’s father to get back to us. I am trying to give him the chance to do things his way. It is after all his family and he knows them. He knows what they can handle so if he feels that it is ok to approach Father #1’s daughter, then I am ok with that. After all, that is his decision, not mine! He took the same test as I did and got the same results as I did so if he too wants to know, then it is up to him. Maybe she knows something. Maybe she doesn’t. But it is a starting point. In the meantime I am working on my own backup plan so if they come back to me with nothing, I will be ready to move. No time wasted in between. But can you really ever be ready for something like this?

All morals aside, my mind started to consider the possibilities. Was there a way to figure this out if the daughter of Father #1 was willing to help?

Mom and Dad

8 May
When it comes to my biological parents, I think the one I have always felt the connection to is my mother. It never really occurred to me before. But I see it now. I always grew up knowing about “Mommy Bevy.”
She got pregnant and chose to keep me. She didn’t tell anyone who my father was. Just that she was pregnant and keeping the baby. People said she was happy about her decision and was excited she was having a little girl. She was the one who named me. She was the one that loved me those first 4 and a half months of my life. Even though I don’t remember her, she was there. She was my mom.
I came to terms many years ago that I would never know who my biological father was. My mother took that secret to the grave with her. There has been a lot of speculation over the years. The general consensus was he was most likely someone she met through work. Maybe he was doing a delivery and they had gotten to know each other. It could have been a secret relationship or a one night stand. Whatever it was, she chose not to include him in my life. Or maybe he chose not to be involved. Maybe he knows he has a kid out there somewhere. Maybe he has no idea. Was she trying to protect him? Protect herself? Man, I hate unanswered questions!!
My aunt (my other aunt, nit my current mom) told me once she knew of someone who might know who my father was. She said she would tell me when I turned 18, but she passed away before that. I was left with not a single clue. How do you find someone who may have no idea that you exist without a single place to start looking. Any lead I thought I might have had come up a dead end.
I realized that my mom had a reason for not sharing the info and whatever it was, I understood. I am sure once I grew up if I wanted to know she would have told me. She would have recognized that it was important to me and would have shared the story of where I came from. But alas, that will not happen. I understand she wanted to keep this secret at the time. Maybe someday, when she thinks I am ready, she will find her own way to share.