Tag Archives: #family

Forward Progress

20 Jul

The next evening, I got a message from my uncle (father #2):

Hi Rebecca,

I just wanted to introduce myself to you. I am your uncle *******. Was delighted to hear you are a part of our family but disappointed that it was so long till we found each other. Your father, my brother, was a wonderful and caring man. Please be assured he is your father. It seems from all I hear from Patty you have the same caring qualities as your father. Hopefully in the near term we will get to speak and meet. I thought I sent this text on Sunday but had the wrong area code.

Uncle *******

PS I am not very good at texting but I try.

I was floored!! Mainly because I actually got a message, but also because it was so kind and welcoming. I could sense that he was really trying to assure me that he was not my father and of course it made me feel good to hear that my “father” was a wonderful man with whom he believes I share I share the same “caring qualities.” That simply warmed my heart and made my day! Of course I wrote him back immediately….

Hi Uncle *******,

I am so happy to meet you 🙂 Your family has been so amazing. I was so nervous because I knew I was probably going to be a pretty big surprise and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt or disrupt anyone’s family! But you have all been a wonderful and unexpected blessing! I’ve wished for years to find you all but had no idea where to start. I lost my mom when I was a baby and she left no clues…or so I thought but have been amazed at some of the little things I have found along the way. That makes me feel so good that you think (father #1) and I share some of the same qualities J I would love the chance to talk to you and learn more about you and him. So many years to catch up on. I have to get down there at some point to meet everyone too 🙂

Love,

Becky

I am so happy. A door has been opened. Here is to hoping there is more to come. I would love to learn more about these people who I am biologically tied to.

Hold the Phone….Say WHAT?!?

19 Jul

I got another message from Aunt Patty. It was filled with all kinds of family information. Most of it not necessary to share. But the key points:

– She talked to her brother a lot and he was going to text me.

– He might take the test for me sometime.

– She mailed me a package with information on the family and if I want more to let her      know because she has a lot of family history.

Yay for packages. First, because…well who doesn’t like getting mail that is not bills? Second because it contains information about my mysterious other “family.”

But wait, what?!?! Her brother is going to text me?!? and, he might be willing to take the test for me?!? I mean HECK!! I never thought the topic of the test would come up. I would have wanted to ask but would have been too respectful not to and yet here it is potentially being offered to me on a silver platter…but even BIGGER than that……he wants to TALK to me!!!!

OMG! I was like a kid on Christmas!! He was most likely going to tell me person to person he is not my father…then I would have my closure. But this is also the same man who didn’t want me to contact him and now he was choosing to contact me!

I am guessing his interest in contacting me was a combination of his sister’s persuasion and my words. I am sure that she told him that from talking to me that I was not looking to cause any trouble and I had also asked her to please give him a message for me. In one of my messages to her I wrote:

Poor (Father #2) must have had quite the shock when your son first approached him with the story. Maybe you could do me a favor and let him know that if I had ever reached out to him to ask him about my mother, I would have found a way to do it discreetly so his wife would have never known. The way I viewed it from the start was that as much as I wanted to know who my father was, it was not at the sake of his family!! I never wanted to hurt anyone whether it be a spouse, child, sibling, etc. If (Father #2) had been my father, that was between him and I and if he wanted to share that with anyone else it was up to him. I actually had no intention if I had asked him of telling him that if it wasn’t him, it was his brother because I never wanted to have laid something like that on him when his brother wasn’t here for him to talk to about it. Luckily for me, your son took the test and talked to him so I didn’t have to figure out a way to do it myself and to be honest I am so grateful for Anna and her dad because they made this so much easier logistically but emotionally as well. Plus having them involved brought me you, your daughter and your son. I have talked to each of them which has been so nice!!! It made me feel like I had a “place” and I am so grateful for that 🙂 But please, do tell your brother that I am sorry if I caused him any stress or concern. It was never my intention and I would never have done anything to put his family in jeopardy. I have too much respect to do anything like that! Whether father or uncle he was still family and I would never want to hurt family 🙂    

Maybe after all of that he could tell I was just a girl, looking for an answer but hey…whatever it was, I would take it! I told her that when and if he was ready, I would love to hear from him. If he decided not to be in touch I would completely understand but of course I would obviously love to talk to him!

Puzzle Pieces

18 Jul

My brother and his family came to town. I don’t get to see them often because they live far away. It was the first chance I really had to talk to him about everything going on so we took a few minutes away from the family and I sat down and told him everything.

I was really nervous because I was afraid of how he was going to respond but I needed to tell him. It wasn’t something I wanted him to find out from anyone else. He was only five years old at the time my mom got pregnant but he still had memories. I told him how this all came about and the process I had been through and the connections I had found. As we talked I could see the wheels turning in his head.

He seemed most intrigued when I told him father #1 had been a police officer. He recalled a picture of himself when he was a little boy wearing a police t-shirt. He said he had always thought it was random he was wearing a police shirt but maybe it made sense now. He too was trying to make the connections. He wondered how old father #1’s daughters had been at the time. Maybe one or both of them had been his babysitters. What?!? I never would have even thought of that possibility. Maybe! I am not sure where they were at that time but they would have been old enough.

Pieces started to come even further together as he filled me in on different details of their living situation, his father, and the things he remembered. Snapshots of his past.  It made my brain start turning again. Darn you brain!!!

Cardinal Red

17 Jul

I was looking out the window one afternoon, just a few days after the email from Aunt Patty telling me who in her heart she believed my biological father to be and saw a cardinal. Some people have said that when you see a cardinal it is a sign from a deceased loved one to let you know they are there.

It is funny because I rarely ever see cardinals but in last four or five months I have seen more than in the past 10 years combined. Both Cardinals and Blue Jays have been appearing outside my bedroom window (and a few other places too). I have never seen so many in such a short period of time.

I have different feelings associated with them every time. Sometimes it is happiness. Sometimes it is peace. One time I felt a presence, like my mother was there to encourage me. But this time, I just happened to look briefly out the window of a church and across the street on the fence sat a cardinal. The feeling hit instantaneously…..my father was acknowledging me. The bird sat there for a minute or two and then flew away.

Maybe I am crazy. I mean a bird is just a bird right? But the feeling I had seemed so real! It was comforting. I have always associated sightings with my mother. Thinking somehow it was connected with her but this one time the feeling hit right away. As if there was no doubt it was him.

The Verdict Is In

14 Jul

After the email from my Aunt (we will call her Aunt Patty), things started to unfold so fast. Within the next few days, she told her daughter and other son about me. Her daughter sent me an email and added me on Facebook while her son added me on Facebook and we chatted there. Anna had asked for a picture of my biological mother so she could show it to her grandmother and see if maybe she might have known my mother.

Everyone was so nice! They seemed genuinely excited to have a new addition to the family and were curious about who this new person was.  It was fun learning about everyone and seeing some of the things we have in common. Little did I know that Aunt Patty was hard at work behind the scenes.

Aunt Patty kept in touch. She said she was sorry she could not tell me who my father was but told me stories about both of them. I heard about some of their traditions, families, etc. She also sent me pictures of her brothers and herself. I sent her some pictures of me. I asked her if I reminded her of anyone. Nothing prepared me for her response!!!

She wrote me and said she wished she could tell me 100% who my father was but she can tell me in her heart who she believes it is. She said that she had a long talk with her brother. She told him all about me and showed him the picture of my biological mother. He said he did not recognize her and that he was not my father. Seeing his face and hearing him out, she believed him. She truly believed that her other brother (father #1) was my biological father. She even went as far as to say that I remind her a bit of him. He was such a good man. They did coffee together every Friday until he was too sick to do it anymore. He raised his daughters on his own and was very good to his mother. He called her every day and visited her often when she was in the nursing home.  He was also Patty’s daughter’s god father. Every year at Easter he sent her a corsage from her “secret admirer.” What an absolute sweetheart!! She said that if he knew I existed he would have been sure to be a part of my life and that he would have loved me.

So there is was. I would never know 100% but it seemed pretty darn sure. She of all people would know her brother and be able to tell if he was being honest with her. Plus, so many of the clues that I found along the way seemed to point to him. In all honesty, even though he was gone which means that just like my biological mother I will never be able to meet him and their story will always be a mystery, just hearing about the man he was, I would be thrilled if he was my biological father. Everyone tells me stories about the person my biological mother was. It would make so much sense if it was him. And wouldn’t it be nice that even if I can never meet my biological father in the end, that the memory of him that I am introduced to is such a good and positive one!

I was finally finding my peace. Little by little. It wasn’t quite closure, but it was peace. I still hoped for the rest. I still hoped in time maybe Patty’s brother would give me that closure. But this….this was all something I can live with. This was really darn close.  Father #1 was the first person on the list of potentials at the beginning of my search that I felt the instant connection to. It would make sense if it was him. I would be happy if it was him.

Welcome to the Family!

13 Jul

Anna gave me her grandmother’s email address. I sat there for a little while trying to find the right words.

Hi 🙂 

I am so nervous, I am not sure where to begin!! I guess to start, my name is Becky. Though I guess you already knew that 🙂 It is such a pleasure to meet you!! 

I am not sure what Anna has told you about me but before I say anything about myself I wanted to tell you that while I don’t know them too well, you have a truly amazing family. They have been so kind, gracious and helpful. Anna is one in a million. 9 months pregnant and she still took the time to help a stranger. Her parents, have been wonderful as well. I could not have been luckier than to find myself connected to such good and kind people!

I have so many things I want to say to you 🙂 First and foremost I know I must have come as a complete surprise to you!! I am so sorry for any shock I might have caused you. I never in any way want to cause you any kind of hurt. If in any way I did, I am truly sorry!! Anna said you are open to talking to me and I would absolutely LOVE that. I am so thankful you would be willing to do that! I would love to know more about you and your family. I just wanted to reach out to make sure you are comfortable with that.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I am more than happy to answer any questions you might have for me. I am an open book! I look forward to hearing from you and learning more about each other 🙂

Sincerely,

Becky 

There is was. I put myself out there and waited for her reply. And her words……just the first sentence alone of her reply…did it for me.

WELCOME TO OUR AWESOME FAMILY. 

At that moment, all was well with the world. Yes, I would surely still wonder who my father was. But in that moment I no longer felt unwanted. I felt quite the opposite. Just those words were enough for me to be at peace. I may never know who my father was but I know he came from a good line of people and those people accepted me. I knew in that moment that if I just had a few pictures of both men and knew a little bit about each of them that would be enough for me. Not only because it had to be, but because I understood.

Extra, Extra….Read All About It

12 Jul

News!! She has news!! I am in the dressing room at the store, trying on clothes for my upcoming vacation. I stop instantly and start reading.

Anna’s father had reached out to father #1’s eldest daughter. She had not responded so he made the decision to go directly to father #2. He approached him and explained the situation to him. Father #2 said he did not recognize my mother’s name and to ask me to please not contact him because he did not want his wife to get mad.

Heartbreak. Confusion. Questions. Reality. My mind was racing in a million different directions! Please don’t contact him because his wife will be mad??? That was a statement I was not expecting. Not because I didn’t understand that this could obviously be an issue that could potentially cause tension (hence the way I was trying to approach everything in a way to protect everyone and their privacy and relationships) but because it had a guilty tone. It just opened the door to more questions, but at the same moment slammed the door in my face because he did not want to talk to me.

The emotions hit like a train off the rails. Silent tears in the dressing room as I processed it all. There was nothing more I could do. All the was left was to accept the fact that yes, I was disappointed I could not get a definitive answer, but be grateful for the fact that I came from a place where there was no hope of ever knowing who my father was and somehow, I had it narrowed down to two people. That had to be enough and I knew after a few days of raw emotion, I would be able to accept that. That is me. I am able to see the bigger picture. Sometimes I just need a few minutes to process my personal feelings.

Of course I had every intention of honoring his request. I told Anna to please have her father assure him that I understand and will not bother him. I went home that night and cried. My search was over. The conclusion, there was no conclusion. There was no definitive answer. All that work. No closure.

I won’t even begin to try to list all the thoughts running through my mind, but I will say that it is crazy how many scenarios you can come up with for just one statement made by another person.

The next morning I was still a little sad but there was no room for a pity party for one. I got up and went off to work. Work was a welcome distraction.

That afternoon I got another message from Anna. She wrote to tell me that her parents had told her grandmother (my aunt) about me. They had not said anything before because they were waiting to get as much information as possible, but now that we knew Anna’s father and I were 1st cousins, they were ready to tell her. At first she was in shock and could not believe the news but then……then she seemed kind of excited to have a niece!! She was going to have Anna over the next week to help her scan pictures for me. What’s more….she would love to talk to me!

Oh my goodness how the emotions changed. From sad to happy in seconds.