Intentions

16 Jun

With the alternatives to finding my answer dropping fast, all I could do was hope to hear back from Anna and her father. I still wasn’t sure how I felt about him reaching out to father #1’s daughter but I kept reminding myself that he took the DNA test because he too wanted to find the answer and this is his family. If he thinks it is the right thing to do, I have to trust that. While the initial search was mine, it also became his and I have to be respectful of how he wants to proceed. If he prefers not to reach out to Father #2 until it is necessary, I want to respect those wishes. He has his reasons for however he wants to handle it. That means if he has other means he wants to pursue, I need to respect those wishes as well and allow him the time he needs to do things his way.

It doesn’t mean I am giving up. It means that we share in this search and since it is his direct family I want to step back and allow him to do it his way. Especially as my goal is to find the answer I seek with the least amount of damage possible. I would much prefer for the only people who know about this search are Anna, her father (and his wife) and Father #2. Anyone else beyond that should only know about it because they as a family choose to share.  My goal in all of this is to find an answer to a question that I have always wanted to know. Something I never thought I would have a chance at. A name. A face. A few stories. That is it.

If it is Father #1, he has passed away. There is no reason his family needs to know about me! Maybe he knew about me, maybe he didn’t. But if he did and chose not to be a part of my life, it is not my place to try to insert myself into his family after he is gone. Especially as he is not here for them to talk to and ask questions to help them better understand.

If it is Father #2, this is our story. His and mine. If he chose to share that with his family, that is up to him. But I would never ask him to. He has had his life all these years. His wife, children, grandchildren. I am not here to disturb that. All I want is to know. To complete my story. His secret is safe with me….well, and my readers 😉 But all names have been changed to protect people so ultimately, his secret is still safe with me 🙂

I guess what I am saying is….

For anyone out there who thinks that I am being too protective, I am doing it because I believe it is the right thing. While yes, I am doing this for myself and yes I deserve the answers, I have been raised to be respectful of others and to know that sometimes there are things that are greater than ourselves. Family is important. Family is also not always something you are born into. Meaning….your mom and your dad are not always the people who “created” you. Sometimes they are the people that “make” you. They are the ones who love you, take care of you, raise you, protect you, teach you, fight for you. I have a family. I have a mom and a dad. I have a brother and two sisters. I am not looking for a replacement family. I am not looking for anyone to take their place. No one on the face of the earth could ever do that. I am simply looking for the piece of the puzzle. To connect the dots. To know who the other person is that “created” me. I am not prepared to turn the lives of others upside down to do that. I have worked so hard throughout this whole process to try to protect everyone. I am not going to stop now. But I am determined to do everything within my power to find my answer. I deserve to know the truth. Maybe I will find it. Maybe I will not. But either way, I will know I have given my best. There are no what ifs left out there to haunt me and that I did this in a way that was respectful and courteous to those involved.

For anyone out there that questions my intentions or thinks I am going to hurt this family, I ask that if you know me as a person, to think about the kind of person that I am. The kind of person I try to be. Maybe there is comfort in that. Maybe there is not. All I can say is that my intentions are nothing but pure. An opportunity was provided to me to learn something about where I came from. I didn’t ask for it. It was handed to me. I took it and made the best of it. I searched to find the answers. Answers I have always wished for but never imagined I could find. I am not searching for a family. I am not searching for something better. I believe the grass is always greener until you get there and then realize it is the same shade or not as nice as the grass you left behind. So I have no secret wishes for anything. Just hope for an answer, a picture, a story or two and I can walk away being satisfied.

Suddenly my phone goes off. It is Anna. She has sent me a message to tell me, “I have info for you…….”

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