The Moral Debate

14 Jun

It took a few days but we finally got word from Anna’s father. He said that he did not want to get “Father #2” involved at this point so he was going to reach out to the eldest daughter of Father #1 to see if she could help.

I wasn’t really sure about that one. I don’t know his reasons for not want wanting to involve Father #2. Maybe because he did not want to stir up any trouble if it was not yet warranted? Maybe because he is married (and was married at the time that my mother got pregnant)? I could come up with a countless list of possible reasons. However I was more surprised by the idea of reaching out to the eldest daughter of Father #1. Maybe he has a closer relationship to that part of the family. I have no idea. But my internal moral debate was that this poor woman’s father had passed away just under 5 years ago. Maybe he was my father too but wouldn’t it be better to just ask Father # 2 and if it is not him then just let Father #1 being my biological father be the secret of the three of us (Anna, her father and me)? I hate the idea of hurting his family. Imagine, they find out they have a new sibling or step daughter but can’t even go to their father/husband for answers. It seems to me that if it were him, the kindest thing would be to let them continue living their lives with the memory of the person they loved intact.

It might sound silly, but either way…whomever my father is…I want it to be his decision as to whether or not he wants me to know his family. My journey is to find him. To know who he is. To have a name. A face. Know who the other half of me is. If he wanted me to be involved with his family…to know him, my half siblings, etc I would be open to that. But that is his life and while we intersect, we each also have our own paths. If I am welcome in his world, I would embrace the chance with open arms. If he prefers for his own reasons to keep me a secret, as long as I have my answers I can respect and understand that.

With Father #1 having passed away, he is not here to make that call. By introducing his daughter, who we know is his daughter, into this, I worry. I worry about hurting her. The memory of her father. Especially if I am not even his! Then it would have all been for nothing.

As for Father #2, he is married. To the same woman he was married to when my mother got pregnant.  My dilemma in trying to reach out to him is how to do it discreetly. Out of respect to him and his wife, especially as I am not certain he is the one, I would like to have that conversation discreetly. But how do you do that with someone who lives states away and is retired, at home with his wife all day?

I want answers. I want to solve the puzzle. I want to be able to walk away from all of this with no regrets. I don’t want to come this close and settle for the fact that I narrowed it down to two people and didn’t try to find the answer. Father #2 is getting older. I don’t know how much time I have (he was considerably older than my mother). I don’t want to let the days slip away.

People tell me not to worry about everyone else. Not to worry about the wife and relationship of Father #2 or the family of Father #1. That this is my story and I deserve the answers. But I can’t help it. While I am determined to continue moving forward towards the truth, I still want to protect the second half of my DNA. I want to make sure that whomever he is, that his family is treated with respect. They deserve that. As much as I deserve the truth, they deserve respect and consideration.

I am waiting patiently for Anna’s father to get back to us. I am trying to give him the chance to do things his way. It is after all his family and he knows them. He knows what they can handle so if he feels that it is ok to approach Father #1’s daughter, then I am ok with that. After all, that is his decision, not mine! He took the same test as I did and got the same results as I did so if he too wants to know, then it is up to him. Maybe she knows something. Maybe she doesn’t. But it is a starting point. In the meantime I am working on my own backup plan so if they come back to me with nothing, I will be ready to move. No time wasted in between. But can you really ever be ready for something like this?

All morals aside, my mind started to consider the possibilities. Was there a way to figure this out if the daughter of Father #1 was willing to help?


2 Responses to “The Moral Debate”

  1. Zachary P. Hubbard June 14, 2017 at 7:12 pm #

    I think it’s wise to protect Father #2’s marriage given you’re not sure he’s the one.

    Liked by 1 person

    • citygirl0801 June 14, 2017 at 7:43 pm #

      I completely agree!!! My goal is to protect all family members while trying to find my answer. I want any interaction to be private and not known about by spouses, children etc. Even if it turned out to be him, I would not be interested in telling his wife or kids. If he wanted to that is his decision to make. Not mine. I seek the truth, but that is it. No one else needs to know but he and I. Sharing beyond that would be up to him…if it is even him 🙂 If I have my way in dealing with this, I have a plan to do it that would not even hint at the idea that if it is not him it is his brother because I do not want him having and sharing that information. I don’t know why I feel so protective. I think because I want my answers but also in no way want to hurt an innocent family.


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