Are You There?

4 May
I am going to preface this entry with….please don’t judge. The topic of the “spiritual” world can be a touchy one. Some people believe in spirits, others in signs. Some people think anything in the spiritual realm is evil. I am not sure what I believe in. I am a Christian that believes in God.  I believe in some form of heaven and hell though maybe not people floating around in the clouds or in a flame filled inferno.
When I think about tarot card readings, I don’t believe they are something to make life decisions by. They are fun. Maybe they offer something. I am not sure. I have never had an experience with them that truly made me a believer. I researched them once. It said they were invented as a card game. Kind of like the games we play today…poker, go fish, black jack. I don’t necessarily think they are the work of the devil.
I love the idea of mediums who can connect us with people on the “other side.” If you ask me if I believe a medium can really do what they say they can, I don’t know what to tell you. I went to see one once. Really out of curiosity but also because I had met her as a person beforehand and liked her. She was nice. If nothing else, I would be supporting her business. It was a good session. She said my mom was there and passed along messages to me. I am not sure it was really my mom. It could have easily been this woman just saying the things she knew I needed to hear. But either way, I walked out feeling refreshed. Like a good therapy session. It was a positive experience, but not earth shattering.  
I used a Ouija Board once in college. It was pretty intense. The stuff coming through was something only I would know, not anyone else in the group. But I questioned if it was really happening or me subconsciously moving it. There was no hard proof that it was real. 
Many years ago, I went to a palm reader at the beach with some friends. There were four of us. We each had a separate ten minute session and the other three all came out with essentially the same reading. I was the only one who got something different. I didn’t make anything of it and can’t remember at this point what was said but I do laugh as I look back because those people’s lives are all still interconnected while mine has taken its own path.
A friend of mine has a medium she goes to. She called me excited one day because  her grandfather “came through” to the medium and the woman was reciting lyrics to the song my friend’s grandfather used to sing to her as a child. There is no reason the woman would have known anything about this so my friend was convinced!! Admittedly, my ears perked up and I listened. I was curious.  What was more convincing was that each time my friend went the woman would tell her more and every time there was something to “prove” it was her grandfather coming through.
I am not going to lie to you. My curiosity was peaked!!! I so desperately wanted that connection. I wanted my mom to come and talk to me. I wanted to hear the words that she loves me. But I guess reality is, even if it happened for me, the words would never be her voice and I think that is what I am truly searching for. 
My friend and I went to Salem, MA one year around Halloween. While we were there she suggested we go do a reading. I figured what the heck. When we came out my friend was so excited. She said she had been told all kinds of interesting stuff. Me, I was so disappointed. I got nothing. Just some generic, this is what a “Leo” is lesson based on my zodiac sign. Telling me about my personality, etc. I tried to hide my sadness as we walked around doing more sightseeing. I masked it behind taking pictures and focusing on the costumes people wore and the decorated houses.
As we headed back to the Salem Witch Museum for our tour, I was lost in my head….wishing for my mom to show me a sign that she was with me and looking out for me. I stopped to take a picture of some “hanging pot heads” and as I turned around, parked behind me was a Volkswagen Bug with eyelashes. For a brief moment the goosebumps took over. My birth mother’s first car was a Volkswagen bug that she put eyelashes on!!! It was if in that moment, she was saying hi. Not through words. Just a simple sign. Something there would be no mistaking was her. If I hadn’t stopped to take that picture, I never would have noticed the car.
I smiled a little brighter. What I love it that as I have gotten older, while I don’t have the relationship with my birth mother like I do with my mom, it seems we have our special language. She hears me and makes sure that I know that she is there. My life has been a collection of little signs or moments…the judge signing the order giving guardianship of me to my aunt on my birth mother’s birthday. The dream in which she appeared as someone I had never seen before and months later that woman was looking back at me from a picture frame, and it was her. Pictures of her falling on to the floor when having a conversation about her. A car similar to her first one (with eyelashes to boot) popping up behind me as I wished for a sign letting me know she was there…even now in this new quest she has popped up in ways you will soon see.
The more I think about it, I am not sure what exactly it is that I believe in, but no matter what it is, I believe that she is there in the background. Not physically watching everything I am doing. That is creepy! Haha! But just there. Looking out for me. Loving me. Making sure I am never alone.

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