I Love You

21 Apr

Now that you have an idea of where I came from, it is time to learn about the chain of events that led me to my present day journey. It all started with a dream.

Growing up, most of the pictures I had seen of my mother were of her as I child. I had seen maybe two or three of her as an adult. She had short hair, happy eyes and was always smiling. The pictures were never up close, always far enough away to be a tease as she smiled at me. They were close enough that I could see her but just far enough away that I could not take in all the details.

One night I got lost in a dream. I was on my way to the hairdresser. As I walked up to the salon, there was a woman in the doorway of the brick building. I had never seen her before. She had wavy hair, just past her shoulders, her right arm in the air as if reaching for something. A smile crossed her face as she welcomed me and brought me inside. I felt comfortable and at ease. While I had never seen her before, somehow, I knew she was my mother.

I sat in the chair and could feel her playing with my hair. She never cut it. Just ran her fingers through it, wrapping it around her fingers. We talked for what seemed like hours. We laughed, smiled. I wish I could remember the words. The things she said to me. She asked questions about me and told me all the things I wanted to know about her.

When she was all done with my hair and it was time to leave I stood up and turned towards her. She wrapped me in her arms and pulled me close. I could feel her. The softness of her skin, the smell of her hair, the peacefulness and honesty of her embrace. I did not want to let go. She slowly pulled away and held my hand as she walked me to the door. I stared into her eyes. I couldn’t look away. Over and over it was if I could hear my own voice telling me not to wake up. Just a little while longer. But it was time. The last words I remember hearing as her image slowly started to disappear……”I love you.”

I awoke from the dream feeling so close to her, as if we had known each other for ages. I felt such a real and deep connection. But how could it be real. The image in my dream was different than any I had seen before and all the things she told me, where did they come from? I didn’t know many facts about her. Then again as I look back at it now, I don’t remember the things we talked about. The facts and tidbits she gave me vanished when I woke up. Even though I felt the closeness, I could not remember any of the things she told me. The only ones I held on to were her parting words.

As soon as I got up I wanted to know more. I decided to trace my mother’s side of the family tree, and learn about where I came from. But I wanted so much more. In addition to wanting to learn about my family’s heritage, I also wanted to learn more about my mother. I started asking questions. All the ones I never wanted to ask growing up because I never wanted to make anyone sad. As an adult I realized talking about her didn’t make people sad. It made them happy because it gave them a chance to remember the good times they shared with her.

The more questions I asked, the more clues I got. Bit by bit I started to piece them together, determined in some way or another to finally know my mother.

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