20 Apr
Now I swear y’all…this is all going somewhere. But for you to understand the journey I am about to take you on, you needed to know the background of who I am, where I came from and the pieces that make me tick.
What I can tell you is this….I am loved. There has never been a day in my life that I have not felt loved by someone. How many people can say that people loved them enough to go to court and fight over them? That they have been loved enough that people don’t give up on you? Been loved enough to have never been forgotten or be a presence in the life of people you have never even met.
My story may not be super conventional but I can say without hesitation that I have been blessed and have daily reminders as to how lucky I am.
With that said, I still have my moments. There are times I sit down and write letters to my biological mother. I tell her all about the things going on in my life. I ask her all the questions I want to ask her: Do I make you proud? Do I disappoint you? Do you love me? Do I embarrass you? Am I living up to the potential you saw in me? and so many more. With the letters come tears.
I am not sure what it is but I sometimes long for my biological mother. I long to hear her voice, to feel her arms wrapped around me. I long to just look at her face and know she is there. To have that moment, that one moment to say everything or say nothing. Just that one moment to have her there.
Maybe it is a girl’s need for her mother, but I have never felt that way about my biological father. In fact I have never felt an emotional connection to him at all. Maybe it is because I have grown up not knowing who he is. No name, no picture, no anything to make him real to me. When it comes to my father, it is more questions like: who are you? How did you meet my mother? What is your story? Were you a couple? Why are you a secret? Did you know about me? The list just keeps going on and on. I guess my mother, because I know she is gone, is the one I long to have a relationship with. I long for her acceptance and love and that validation that I am doing ok by her. My father I think because while I knew he existed, I also knew would never exist in my life. He would never actually be a father. I look at him as a connection to knowing more about my mother and where I can from.
It is all these questions that keep the wheels in my mind turning. That keep me hungry for answers. That have lead me to the journey I am about to embark on…….with you!

2 Responses to “Purpose”

  1. Lorrie April 20, 2017 at 11:12 pm #

    I just wanted you to know that I have been reading your story and I am very touched by it. You are a very strong person and I’m sure your mom is very proud of you! Love you, Lorrie


    • citygirl0801 April 21, 2017 at 12:59 am #

      Thank you sooo much Lorrie!!! That means so much to me 🙂 I am so lucky and blessed to have friends like you in my life and I am so glad to have you along with me for the journey. I can’t wait for you to see the rest!! Love you! xoxo


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